I'd like
to for-warn you that this is not for pity, if this post is anything its for
your prayers. But this post could be emotional, or at least it is for me to
write out. I have been through a very emotional rollercoaster these past few
months and this is really just me getting it all out on "paper." I do
want you all to know, that I have placed all my cares upon the Lord (1 Peter
5:7). Because he really is the only one who knows my feelings and understands
all of my emotions. I do have a great support system. My mother, my husband, my
sister, and my mother-in-law and father-in-law, and I'm so thankful I have them
all to share face to face my current struggles.
About 10 months ago, after discussing with my husband, I finally decided to
quit taking my birth control pills. At first my husband was in complete
disagreement with me, but I didn't feel like a pill was going to stop God from
having his way if he wanted us to have a child. And I also knew that there was
a huge chance that having children would be a struggle for my body. Since day
one of my cycle, I was not regular. I never really thought anything of it,
until my sister found out she had Endometriosis. I then had to have my first
OBGYN appointment. My mom had Cervical Cancer when I was born, so it was pretty
much inevitable that I would have something. Not saying that I don't have a God
that is bigger than all this, but in my human knowledge, I just had a
hunch.
All my life I just wanted to be a wife and a mother. It's been a dream of mine.
When I came of the age where I had to decide "what I wanted to be when I
grow up" I didn't have any dreams of a career. I just wanted to marry the
perfect guy and have children. Now the dream is coming true.. but there is one
problem, I "can't" have children.
Since about 17/18 I've been on Birth Control to cause a cycle. Without it I
have no cycle. It all sounds great to some women, but honestly a cycle lets you
know that everything is normal. And I was far from normal. So after my yearly
OBGYN appointment in November I spoke with my Dr and decided to come off of the
pill. In January, I went in to talk to her about my abnormalities and begin
talking about the possibility of having children. And so the process began. We
tried a few months without assistance. Nothing. Then I got placed on Provera to
cause a cycle, so we went a few months with just that. Nothing. I then had to
have an ultrasound to check out my ovaries, where we then learned that I have
PCOS or Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. I learned that PCOS was one major reason I
had gained a lot of weight in my first year of marriage, as well as being
really upset emotionally about finding out about my infertility and lets face
it.. it was "happy marriage" weight. PCOS affects 5-10% of women at
child-bearing age. PCOS is responsible for 70% of infertility issues in women
who have difficulty ovulating. And I am one of the 70%. After finding out about
the PCOS, I was still taking Provera, and had to have a Progesterone test to
see if I ovulate at all naturally without taking anything to cause ovulation.
Well the Progesterone test let me know that I do not Ovulate at all, and that I
will need assistance.
And that's where I am now. My Dr plans to put me on Clomiphene (works by stimulating the hormones in your brain that
trigger an egg (or several) to develop and be released from your ovaries.) But
before that happens she wants to make sure that my tubes are even open enough
to release an egg. So tomorrow at 11AM I have to have an HSG Test and from what
I hear its rather painful. My prayers are that it's not painful and that
everything I'm reading is just hearsay. But after this appointment and if
everything is clear, then Daniel has to go in to take a test as well. And if
that is clear we will begin taking the Clomiphene.
But until then I'm trying to stay confident that tomorrow will go well, and that it won't be as painful as everyone says. My mom and husband plan to be there with me. I'm a little nervous, and it all kind of makes me feel nauseous. But I know the Lord is on my side, and that he knows all and sees all. Even the things we don't see. He has to be my balance. Because it is so easy to think negatively, when God is a positive God. There is nothing that happens that he doesn't see. And even in the most negative of times in our lives, he has a positive outcome, we just have to wait and be patient, and draw closer to him through the process. And I believe my miracle is on its way!
